A Month And A Half And Still Nothing

ell if I do nothing as of next week I would have done nothing on any of my free time for a whole six weekends, and weeks in general. I always try and plan things or make arrangements to go and chill with some one some where, out side of my house or at my house....well so much for that. I find that people after they see each other or just any person other then them selves for more then 5 days in a row they need some time to be alone, it is not only with friends, but with what seems to be happening with my family as well. I think I am the only person around me who suffers from the opposite effect lol. I am always told by so many people to just chill, and be alone and like think and stuff...well for fuck sakes I am going to say it, I have had TOO MUCH TIME TO THINK!!! It is not good for me to think too much about my life and what goes on around it, it did cause some alarm which I am sorry for but nothing too major, just shit I would not normally be caught thinking about. I need to do something to take my mind of being alone and letting my mind wonder, and in the bad since of wondering (that depends on the persons definition of bad mind wondering). My mind wonders into thoughts I have thought about before and found that they make no since in common thought or logic, but they come back and some how they seem to make since for a brief moment. I also already do alot of deep thinking on my own, even when I was doing things with people other then my self. I need to find some sort of fool proof way to see some one so that I can break this streak of boredom lol. I have also been told that I have started talking to my self more often, and yes I did use to talk to myself somewhat before, but now I take both sides of a full conversation. I was caught the other day in class by fellow class mates that sit by me. I myself find this to be a repercussion of me becoming too "in touch with my self", I do believe I have found the other side of me in my head of wonders that it is. I was going to hang out with some one this weekend but plans were changed, well actually never came to be since it was just a very wishful thought. As I have read in much poetry I will use the term “I long for something" well I long for something. And that thing in which I long for is to not be alone. In fact not many people know this, but they might now, but I doubt that since no one but me and I...think one other person reads my blog or looks at it, andyhoo back to what ever. one f my two fears in life is not that of the ordinary, spiders, death or some random accident or something like that but something rather stupid and childish I have heard from some. The fear of which I speak of is to be alone, and the other fear I have follows along to that one. My only other fear in life is to disappoint people, and for that reason I put everyone and everything that does not deal with me first in life. I have this theory that if I do not disappoint people in anyway they have no reason to leave me alone, so in that I have no reason to have my other fear, but the thing is I can not always make people pleased in all ways, some easier then others ;D if you get what I mean...lol yes I am somewhat perverted...get over it lol, but sometimes I can not make people happy and then they get frustrated or angry or flat out sad and then I just become lost, of sad or even get what could be described as "sever depression". I have looked over the symptoms before and I think I am only missing like two or three sometimes, but any other time no one would ever expect me to have it lol. I could also just be bi-polar, which can be very dangerous to a person’s health. Either I need to find something else to keep me going in life, or just give up on life and all aspects in it, such as friends, family, maybe not relationships they still keep me going, and especially his one ^_^!!!, but I could also just give up on school, actually no I would not give up on that since it would keep my mind entertained, or it should since I am in like advanced classes and I am bored, so maybe school, I could also give up on dreams, freedom of choice since I have like a day of choice to do things and it usually gets decided for me anyways, I could give up on just about everything. But since I still have some glimpse of hope in the very back of my head that this will all change soon I will not just yet. So I know it may sound sick and cruel but take up bets on what I will do, I can only go another week or 2 of this before I become a vegetable and become another drone of society. With out all these people around me keeping me I can not ignore the stupidity of society and the major flaws it has, I need to not join that it would be just as bad as death to me, I swore I never become a drone of society and I will not ever. I can only last so long; I went many years of my life alone, after I moved to Nova Scotia. I spent almost four years alone not having any real friends, I made some but I never figured out how great of friends they were till about last year. So I have pretty much gone eight years of my life alone sort of thing. My life goes as is, every Wednesday an hour of work after school, pointless, Thursday karate after school for 2 and a half hours, Saturday bass and work a.k.a gone from 8 am to 8 pm, and the other school days some one else always has stuff to do, so that leaves Sunday, but back to my point I made earlier, after being around people for about six days in a row they need to be away, so that leaves out Sundays now, I have to break someone of that habit so that I do not become that way as well, if possible. The other ting that may be happening is that they are all already doing something one Sunday so next Sunday it is inevitable that they do not want to be around anyone. I have found one person I could do things with but they are not someone who I normally hang out with, and they live about half an hour away, so two big dilemmas that are posed in my life from saving me from all hell you could say. I need to get a pet or something, or some one who I can talk to on msn or something that would actually want to talk to me or something like that, or another blog to follow or anything, something to preoccupy my mind. I am most likely becoming paranoid if I have not already said that, but I do not want one of my fears to come true, technically both since if I am to be alone I am disappointing people...man I just realized that both would happen at once...I have to stop for now I am going to go nuts if I continue

Anyhoo keep on blogging and leave your thoughts or comments what ever.

I Am Back To Being Me

Yesterdays post, and just me yesterday was just a bad dream, well I would like to think of it that way; or atleast as a "what if" situaion gone wrong. I think I felt and thougth that way because I was not feeling my best.

I was not feeling to good today when I first got up and went to school, well last night I was not feeling too good either, but more or less at school I was about 50% good. I felt better today after I had a little vommitting session about half way into first class, not in the class room of course, I think it got what ever was making me feel not so good out.

Math class was back to being entertaining again since the perso who I normally sit next to was back, the other day he was not there and I had double so I was bored out of my tree. So it was all good again. Infact all classes were back to being good, and the day it's self was all good!

As the day went by I felt better and better sort of thing, it is always better to feel good then sick I think. Some people I know only feel good when they are sick, I guess it is an equal trade though in thier eyes.

Anyhoo leave your thoughts or comments and keep on blogging.

Do You Ever Feel Lost?

Today and last night I felt rather lost. I am not sure why but I just did and sort of do now. Today I was not up to par you could say. When I got to school I sort of had a head ache, well the just escalated to a full grown migrane by the end of first period; where I had also started not feeling to well in my stomach. This all seemed to get worse, I had started taking head ache meds by second period, I just ignored it for the most part not leting on that I wasn't feeling well; but I strated to fall asleep and such, I only had an hour of sleep the night before, so it started to show some what by about lunch time.

Anyhoo I titled this article Do you ever feel lost for this one reason, and that reason is the fact that I am feeling honest to god lost at just about everything I do and think about. In physics and math clases I find I am second guessing what I am doing and the methods I am using. And I am also just lost in the fact that I do not seem to fit in with my friends anymore. I have been hanging out witht the same people since..well I have ever really been hanging with a group of people, and now I just don't seem to fit in with either one. Today I was with Laura and Athena but both of them seemed to be out of it, it showed believe you and me, then I would go and hang with my other friends but I just seemed out of place there for some reason? I am not sure why but I just know that I felt out of place and I think they thoughts as much as well. I feel as though I am at a loss for where to go and what to do for the first time in my life.

I feel like I am seperating from all life around me, it feels so different, not comforting at that. I am just not the same at the moment, I am never sick feeling, I am never lost I am always the one who helps people figure out where and what they need to do because they see me and my life all going all good and in order. I even question one of my LIFE LONG DREAMS!!, that is to become a translator/ interpreur, therfore I know something is not right. I have wanted to do that since like grade 6, and no doubt about it!! I feel so distant from my friends, like I am grasping for ideas in a dark room or random saying like that. I know I feel lost and I know I shouldn't, but the more I think about it the more lost in everyway I become. I am also feeling worse then I was before since I started writing this. I don't know of anyone who has had this kind of life changing thoughts or feelings, right now but I know of others who have had them in general. I need to find someone who has gone through this and turned out fine, like people do when I help them. When ever I help poeple they always seem to have everything all set for them then, they know what they want to do and where to go, since I helped them realize these said things. I need some one to set me straight.

I am not sureif that is possible since I have never had some one tell me where to go in my life. I will give anything atleast one chance though. I will have to find some one who knows me well enough to point me in the right direction. For those who know me well, I am never like this. It is like what I am against, but for some odd reason I can not help but be this way. I am not proud of it but I can not help my self.

I feel like shit right now so I am not even going to bother putting more deppressing things, and just stop all that kinda shit all together right now, I am goign to go to bed, maybe.

Anyhoo leave your thoughts for those of you who may read this and care somewhat. Oh and keep on blogging.

The Weekend...Oh What A Great Thing It Is

It is finally friday again and I am so set for the weekend!! This week has been good but bad with all the crap that I am doing in school; it has been a real bore. I have learned nothing new since I started grade 11 it is rather dissapointing I find. Now that would normally sound like a stupid thing to say, since no one really wants to do anything in school anyways, but I want and need to learn..especially in frnch class! I want to become a translator/interpretor so that means that I have to learn, and if I am not learning it is not going to be as easy for me to get the job I want, so therfore I need to learn.

Other then me complaining about that I was supose to have test in math today..well it took me a whole 2 mnutes..LITERALLY 2 minutes and I was done, for everyone else it took them so long, I guess I know alot more short cuts then they do lol. I also did shit all today, in every class. So since I did nothing today I am going to put out just some random things that I have been thinking about.

I think that I am the only person around me that doesn't seem to think that life is pointless..not in the emo way but just for the fact that you work so hard then it is all over and done with, so what is the point sort of thing. I on the other hand believe other wise, if you do good things now it will just effect more and more poepel later on in thier lives, whether it be something minor, such as they have enough money to get food for that day, or you may end up ending world hunger, every little thing counts.

Dreams what do they mean, do they have a certain effect on the way you live, have lived, or what you will do later on? Or are they just things to make you think, or happy thoughts, sad thoughts, general thoughs about you and what you have or will do? What significance do they honestly have. I have been having "wierd" or rather different dreams lately, so that is why that question arrised.

What do you hope to accomplish in life? Do you want to help others, help your self, help others learn to help them selves? Do you believe that you can really help others? Could it be that you can only help your self and pray that others will learn from your mistakes? Or is it the opposite? Can you only hepp others and not your self, and only learn from them and not your self? How can you help your self more? Do you expect others to do more for you then you would hope of your self to do for you?

Would the world be a better place you never got to see anyone but your self? Or would it be better to see everyone but yourself?

All these and more thoughts are things I have driffted off into space to think about in the past week. If I think of more I will be sure to put them on here for you to ponder as well

Anyhoo keep on blogging and leave your thoughts

Back To Normal

Life is back to normal since school has started and all. It is not too exciting just school its self, but the people who are there make it so much more worth while. I have the same stupid russian teacher for french as I did last year, I have Mr. Harley for Physics, which kicks all ass!!!, I also have Ms. George for Math. Ms. George is a good teacher, but for teaching me andvanced math I have done nothign new so far; I am sort of dissapointed I actually like to learn math. Ms. Smith, A.K.A the "Russain", is some what a pain in the ass, well alot really, I go to say an answer and she ignores me when I say it aloud before the whole class and then when some one wispers what I said to them and they say it as if they some what knew they get the credit for it. Yes I was some what of a dick to her in class last year but it was all in good fun and such and she knew it as well, she even use to make fun of me back or what ever. Mr. Harley is one of the GREATEST teachers I have ever met! He was teaching us some basic physics and he said this" Things that aren't moving don't want to move, how ever things that are moving want to stay moving" after saying that he took a book and threw it accross the class room and satted that when it got moving it didn't want to stop, but what stopped it was the wall, the floor, and gravity! I have never met a greater teacher that would do things like that!

Other then the teahcers I have my friends. I am in some of thier classs but not too many. We have kept the same ways we use to hang out last year, the same places we hung out at and everything like that, it is so nice; like a warm cozzy blanket ^_^. Things will stay this good and all will be well, well it better since if it changes for the worse I will have to do something to fix it back to this way. Life seems to be at the right spot for everything at this moment, so ya i am goign to end off there with a happy note.

Anyhoo leave yoru thoughts or anything like that and keep on blogging

Change Is Good

Yesterday I went to town since I now start my whole weekend thing over again..but this time I only had bass. I normally have to og to the Sportzplex wait an hour while sister does dance, then go to bass, then to work, and inbetween each one we have about an hour and a half to kill doing runnign around and chores, after bass i go to work; which use to be just teaching gymnastics but now I will be teaching gymnastics then teaching kick boxing, which will be a good change.

After I had bass yesterday I went into Music Stop to look at the basses. I found one I want to buy. It is a new bass but it is selling for cheap and it is different..in a good way. The bass I was looking at was a 2006 Fretless Fender Jazz Bass, the difference between this bass and other ones is the tone and different ways you can play it. You can do amazing slides, ad play pop'n'slap really well on it. It is normally like 800 plus tax but the store got that oen and another in a package deal so the bass I want is only 400 plus tax..butI get a trade in value of my old bass which is about 100-150 dollars the guy said. And the rest I can pay off monthly so I think I will get it.

My bass is the basic learners package deal one, none the less it is something to play bass with and get in the practice I need. I have been playing bass for 3 years now and I can play quite a bit. I love to play either Red Hot Chili Peppers, or System Of A Down. I can play most of the Chilli Peppers songs, and all the system ones. If you play any instrument check out what I can play at www.ultimate-guitar.com, just type in one of those band names and check out any song. I am pretty proud that I can play those bands songs, although they are 2 different styles of music. It is good to have a variety though.

I need to learn some good jazz stuff so if you know of any good jazz bands could you let me know please and thank you. Or of any good bands that you like let me know. If you didn't know back in june I went out and purchased a 60 gig Ipod, and have not been able to fill it yet so if you like a certain band let me know so that I can check them out.

I then went to the Super Store on Portland to go see laura in action since she was working there. When I got there she was getting off work early so we decided to go se a movie or 2..well two infact. We saw The Protector at the movie thearres beside the Super Store, AWSOME movie!! Lots of action and thrill. Then we walked up to Penhorn mall and walked around for a bit. We then at supper at Raunchy Ronny's A.K.A Mc Donalds. We walked around some more after that...i bought some candy and ate soem of it. Then we went and saw the movie The Wicker Man...it was so GREAT!!!! The previews for it do it no justice, myself i would suggest seeing them both they were spectacular movies! We also ran into poepel we knew when we went to see the movie The Wicker Man, they did not go to see the movie with us but another movie. Over all it was a realy good time.

Anyhoo leave your thoughts, comment or what ever and cya round

I Haven't Said Alot But I should

Well I don't know if I actually posted the post or if I saved it but I said I was going to tell about my summer and what I did but i did not honestly do oh to much of anything so I am now just going to do posts daily or bi-daily about what i am doing and thinking about. I was going to make another blog about just thoughts that come into my head but I think that since I don't have to much to talk about usually I will do me thinking on here as well, it also saves me from thinking of a new blog name and all that jazz lol; I am rather lazy in that manner ;D.

So ya I stared school last wensday. It was a sort of relief since my whole summer has been work and that is pretty much all, even when I had time off from work..I stil worked. The first week off I had I went to New Brunswick and helped my grandfather with his garden and "out back", out back is across the road and then back into the woods for about 2Km. Out there we do wood work like cutting down trees, limbing them up, splitting wood all that stuff. He also has a garden out there so I did some gardening with him out there as well.

The second week off I had I was suppose to go somewhere and do stuff with laura..that didn't turn out so we made other plans, which also did not turn out. I ended up doing yard work for either the neighbor of my dad, who had that week off with me as well. I think I manged to get to town atleast like once on the week off, I am not sure though.

Anyways back to the school situation, I got Physics11, French11, and Math advanced11. I also got a crap free block which I did not even want, so when I found out what Sociology class was I went to go see the guidance counselor...Mr Chivers as we call him. His real name is Mr. Chizum, but everyone shivers when they have to go see him, so thus the name Mr. Chivers. I went on the first day of school durring y free block on the end of the day, I waited all that, most of thursday and then 2 hours of friday to get to see him for 30 seconds to change free block to sociology class. Sociology class is going to be the best class since it is like global issues and stuff like that, and it it all opinionated..I ALWAYS have an opinion when it comes down to that kind of stuff. So I am glad to have that class now instead of free block. I am going to be making a new template today so I hope you all like it, I know I will like it; since it will be a change from this very basic layout.

Anyhoo leave your thoughts or comments, and I will be seeing you around.