A Month And A Half And Still Nothing

ell if I do nothing as of next week I would have done nothing on any of my free time for a whole six weekends, and weeks in general. I always try and plan things or make arrangements to go and chill with some one some where, out side of my house or at my house....well so much for that. I find that people after they see each other or just any person other then them selves for more then 5 days in a row they need some time to be alone, it is not only with friends, but with what seems to be happening with my family as well. I think I am the only person around me who suffers from the opposite effect lol. I am always told by so many people to just chill, and be alone and like think and stuff...well for fuck sakes I am going to say it, I have had TOO MUCH TIME TO THINK!!! It is not good for me to think too much about my life and what goes on around it, it did cause some alarm which I am sorry for but nothing too major, just shit I would not normally be caught thinking about. I need to do something to take my mind of being alone and letting my mind wonder, and in the bad since of wondering (that depends on the persons definition of bad mind wondering). My mind wonders into thoughts I have thought about before and found that they make no since in common thought or logic, but they come back and some how they seem to make since for a brief moment. I also already do alot of deep thinking on my own, even when I was doing things with people other then my self. I need to find some sort of fool proof way to see some one so that I can break this streak of boredom lol. I have also been told that I have started talking to my self more often, and yes I did use to talk to myself somewhat before, but now I take both sides of a full conversation. I was caught the other day in class by fellow class mates that sit by me. I myself find this to be a repercussion of me becoming too "in touch with my self", I do believe I have found the other side of me in my head of wonders that it is. I was going to hang out with some one this weekend but plans were changed, well actually never came to be since it was just a very wishful thought. As I have read in much poetry I will use the term “I long for something" well I long for something. And that thing in which I long for is to not be alone. In fact not many people know this, but they might now, but I doubt that since no one but me and I...think one other person reads my blog or looks at it, andyhoo back to what ever. one f my two fears in life is not that of the ordinary, spiders, death or some random accident or something like that but something rather stupid and childish I have heard from some. The fear of which I speak of is to be alone, and the other fear I have follows along to that one. My only other fear in life is to disappoint people, and for that reason I put everyone and everything that does not deal with me first in life. I have this theory that if I do not disappoint people in anyway they have no reason to leave me alone, so in that I have no reason to have my other fear, but the thing is I can not always make people pleased in all ways, some easier then others ;D if you get what I mean...lol yes I am somewhat perverted...get over it lol, but sometimes I can not make people happy and then they get frustrated or angry or flat out sad and then I just become lost, of sad or even get what could be described as "sever depression". I have looked over the symptoms before and I think I am only missing like two or three sometimes, but any other time no one would ever expect me to have it lol. I could also just be bi-polar, which can be very dangerous to a person’s health. Either I need to find something else to keep me going in life, or just give up on life and all aspects in it, such as friends, family, maybe not relationships they still keep me going, and especially his one ^_^!!!, but I could also just give up on school, actually no I would not give up on that since it would keep my mind entertained, or it should since I am in like advanced classes and I am bored, so maybe school, I could also give up on dreams, freedom of choice since I have like a day of choice to do things and it usually gets decided for me anyways, I could give up on just about everything. But since I still have some glimpse of hope in the very back of my head that this will all change soon I will not just yet. So I know it may sound sick and cruel but take up bets on what I will do, I can only go another week or 2 of this before I become a vegetable and become another drone of society. With out all these people around me keeping me I can not ignore the stupidity of society and the major flaws it has, I need to not join that it would be just as bad as death to me, I swore I never become a drone of society and I will not ever. I can only last so long; I went many years of my life alone, after I moved to Nova Scotia. I spent almost four years alone not having any real friends, I made some but I never figured out how great of friends they were till about last year. So I have pretty much gone eight years of my life alone sort of thing. My life goes as is, every Wednesday an hour of work after school, pointless, Thursday karate after school for 2 and a half hours, Saturday bass and work a.k.a gone from 8 am to 8 pm, and the other school days some one else always has stuff to do, so that leaves Sunday, but back to my point I made earlier, after being around people for about six days in a row they need to be away, so that leaves out Sundays now, I have to break someone of that habit so that I do not become that way as well, if possible. The other ting that may be happening is that they are all already doing something one Sunday so next Sunday it is inevitable that they do not want to be around anyone. I have found one person I could do things with but they are not someone who I normally hang out with, and they live about half an hour away, so two big dilemmas that are posed in my life from saving me from all hell you could say. I need to get a pet or something, or some one who I can talk to on msn or something that would actually want to talk to me or something like that, or another blog to follow or anything, something to preoccupy my mind. I am most likely becoming paranoid if I have not already said that, but I do not want one of my fears to come true, technically both since if I am to be alone I am disappointing people...man I just realized that both would happen at once...I have to stop for now I am going to go nuts if I continue

Anyhoo keep on blogging and leave your thoughts or comments what ever.